I am on my way to do something great for myself. The past few months have been really rough for me as I've just felt like I have constantly been slipping with occasions where I find my footing. Between becoming and insomniac, struggling with my relationships, anxiety, depression, and ADD gang banging me and a heavy lack of motivation, I've been feeling fine lately, but my life hasn't been fine. When I get into these spirals I revert to anything that brings me comfort; Rewatching my favorite YouTube videos or tv shows, constantly seeking verbal and physical validation, and most of all anything that allows for me to perform escapism without leaving my bed. What this looks like is messy rooms, lazy outfits, minimal hygiene, never being alone, distorted concept of time, and most of all avoiding sleep. These things of course seep into my personal relationships and my ability to complete my academic tasks either entirely or just in a timely fashion. I'm not okay with how far I've been slipping especially not the timing of it. So, tonight I decided that I was getting foothold and I'm climbing back up.
Okay, so, I didn't really decide on purpose, but a lot of happy accidents suggest that I am capable of doing it and since I presently have the motivation to try, I'm going to take that and run as far as I can go with it. Hopefully it'll last me the month.
How it started:
Smoking with the boys and cuddling with Ben made up a huge sum of my day yesterday but at some point I realized I couldn't be there and be productive so I made the executive choice to leave, get food, and then grind out on some homework. What I will say is that I got more than half of that list done. But the nap was quite inevitable. Waking up at 12 gave me a heart attack. Not because anything was due (Or at the very least I hope nothing was due) but because it was night time, my prime time, and I wasn't with my friends. I have really bad separation anxiety and FOMO so it wasn't the best waking up in the world, but I challenged myself to not leave. To stay until I was productive and got some math homework done. 5 hours later I was still in bed on Tiktok and I had enough. I have been avoiding a lot of issues and until I at least start trying to address them on my own, I was going to stay stuck. Some coaxing got my ass out of bed and to smith library and Ive been there ever since grinding out my problems, organizing my life and activities, and making it easier for myself to be accountable for my future success.
Where we are:
We are still at Smith Library but I'm thinking very shortly I am going to grab food. I still haven't finished my math HW or even started it to be totally honest with you but that will be my next plan of action lest I deduct point from my class dojo. I'm feeling really good. Lets get day one done!
Sincerely
Nic @ Nite
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